*garden romantic & morning tears

A little bit of garden romantic on 35mm film and a rare visitor, a dragonfly. It makes me wonder why it is leaving it's wetland area to visit our garden. Same I'm wondering with the seagulls that are sometimes sitting in the fields here.

I'm struggling a lot right now, last week I have been mainly in bed again. It seems like my body is remembering the torture that started last summer and reacts to it. The damage in my nervous system makes me feel so much disgust for so many smells and tastes. In general for everything that reminds me of that time and I feel a lot of fear when symptoms return and it affects my mood a lot. I feel even guilty to write this as I do not want to speak too much about it as it does not change a thing. It does not change the deep loneliness it creates and often the reactions of other people about it, make me feel even more alone with it. Crying and praying until God lays a piece of comfort into my heart to be able to go on. I don't know if the day on Earth will come when I do not perceive my body as a prison. Luckily I can escape from it every night for some time. Sometimes it feels as if I was lifetimes away during one night and it is hard to find back into this role I chose to play here in my body. The worst days are those when you open your eyes in the morning and they are filled with tears already.

☙