*first little happy list of the year
*The first and the last sunbeams
Eleven days ago Sunny passed away after an intense time for the three of us. Since he had an emergency operation on his heart in 2019 I was very aware that every further day with him is a gift and I was grateful for each and every moment we were able to still have with him since. It was also not always easy, his overall health situation needed a lot of care and attention and we accepted quite some limitations to make it as little stressful as possible for him. In fact the last years I have never been more than two hours per week separated from him.
A few days before Christmas he had a severe heart attack in the middle of the night, where he stopped breathing and his heartbeat was impalpable anymore. It was a big shock moment for us, of course we thought he was about to die, but after a while a deep breath drew through his whole body and his heart started to beat again. He was alive!
Something similar happened last year in November, it was also a very difficult time then, because the heart issues created much panic in Sunny and he would cling to my body for two weeks straight, but with time and lots of patience he improved again and we had another good year together. So this time I had high hopes that he will make it again if we give him lots of care and time to recover. It was different though than last time. Some things were better, but others were worse. Fortunately he had no panic reactions like last time, but he would have regularly seizures, mostly in the middle of the nights every two days, where every time I thought he would die and it was nearly impossible for me to find inner rest anymore, I was lying awake in the nights just listening to the sounds of his breath and every strange sound made me startle up. We were not able to make walks anymore, because the cold air would give him breathing troubles, but we made little car trips, because he really loved them and they always made him very calm and happy.
The weeks went by and I could not say that he got worse, but he also did not improve and at some point it was clear that it can not go on like this for longer. Two days before he died, we made the last car trip with him and he gave me his last enthusiastic kiss before we entered the car. It was so wonderful to see him so relaxed and happy on that ride. This is also the moment where I can not stop holding back my tears. He gave me so much joy in all those years, just to see his little face, filled my heart with happiness and gratitude.
His last two days were very intense and emotional for me, I would not leave his side anymore and I was singing for him and telling him everything I wanted to say to him still and just be there for him. We were both here with him when he did his very last breaths and it was one of the hardest moments in my life so far, but in the end he had a peaceful expression on his face.
Even though I knew this day will be inevitable and I made peace with the fact long time ago that at some point we have to say goodbye, my body feels like a vessel of tears since and a weightiness lies on me and everything that I do. I know that I can not force anything and have to go through this and let time do it's job. Nothing could prepare me for this deep pain. I hope that writing about it here, can help me a little more to let the last weeks go and taking away the pressure that I felt, because I did not write about it here yet, but it felt wrong to not write anything at all, Sunny was part of this blog too and he deserves this obituary.
Sun of my life,
Love of my soul,
Joy of my heart.