*Early birds, golden leaves & cozy October knitting

{Music: Blackbird (Acoustic Cover) – Chase Eagleson + Narcissus – Jiří Horák + Flyt – Tankeflukt + Everfade – Tankeflukt}

Being with the early birds,

among wild chamomile and the first tender beams of morning light.

Reading books outside,

surrounded by the golden glow of the birch trees' foliage.

Finishing the knitted scarf for a dear friend

and wrapping gifts for upcoming birthdays.

☙

*autumn exists

Autumn exists

to remind us

that things

must end

to begin

again.

{dj}

☙

*fall memories

The weekend was a stormy one. The late October winds hasten the fall of the leaves, and soon the golden play of colors will come to an end. Some Birthdays are coming up and I like to take my time to think of fitting gifts and wrap them in a calm, peaceful mood. Making gifts is definitely one of my love languages. Maybe you heard about the different love languages of people before. The five main are: words of affirmation, quality time, gifts, acts of service and physical touch.

We haven’t had any really gloomy days so far, but I think that could change around All Saints’ and All Souls’ Day. I remember how I loved going to the graveyard around this time of year when I was a child. Sometimes there was already snow, and all the graves were decorated with floral arrangements and candles and there was this one little chapel where people were allowed to place a special candle among a sea of other candles and the room was so warm and full of light. It was so peaceful and one of my favorite fall memories.

☙

*Breathing through autumn

{Music: Wind – Brain Crain + Dream 13 (minus even) – Max Richter + Bogo –Will Oldham}

Autumn always feels like coming home.

This season is a bliss for the senses –

a gentle calling to all introverted souls.

I started picking up an unfinished knitting project

and enjoyed the very last dahlias,

the falling leaves, and the first morning frosts.

☙

*Breathing through

Twelve days have passed since my mother died.

When I try to take a deep breath, the tears follow instantly.

I've done a lot of repetitive and senseless things to keep the pain at bay.

But autumn shows itself from a beautiful angle,

I sat under the falling leaves,

I sat in the frozen meadow,

I sat in the rising sun

and I sat under the almost invisible silver of the moon.

I sat and tried to breathe through.

☙

*Ort der Stille

There aren't many pictures of my mother from when she was a child, but I wanted to share one here, along with a poem she once wrote.

Hab Sehnsucht

nach einem Ort der Stille

wo der Himmel leuchtet

und die Erde schwebt

wo dir alle zurufen

ohne Worte

du bist frei.

~

Long for a place

of silence

where the sky shines

and the earth floats

where everyone calls out to you

without words

you are free.

Mum, I really hope you have found this kind of freedom.

☙

*a deep longing

Even though those pictures were taken in summer, that time feels like a lifetime away already.

Losing my mother in this cruel way left deep scars on me. It was an ongoing torture for those who were allowed to witness or who dared to.

The ultimate comforter is everywhere, just not in your words. So I stopped searching them there. And so I feel like I haven't felt in a long time – like I felt as a teenager. Always searching for something to stuff this longing in me, I feel a strong addiction – but I don't know what for. I want out, out of this body, out of this pain, out of all the senseless conversations with people who are too afraid to go a little deeper, to meet me in the darkness, to open their eyes, because they are too afraid to see themselves in it.

So I seek comfort in the silence, in the little pauses between your words, in the rustling of the autumn leaves, in the flickering of the candle flame, in the icy morning air, in the cry of the crow that has finally found its way back to me.

It's not just the loss, it's the horror I witnessed. The imprisonment. The unquenchable pain. And when I wake up in the nights it feels as if she is still lying there and I'll never be able to find peace again.

☙

*One day after the first supermoon of the year

The moon

on Wednesday,

the day

my mother

passed away.

☙

*Between sorrow, flowers & apple trees

{Music: In The Garden: Meeting Again – Max Richter + Amsterdam – (Gregory Alan Isakov cover) Adam Youngman  + Consolation – Dmitry Evgrafov}

"If you would indeed behold the spirit of death,

open your heart wide unto the body of life.

For life and death are one,

even as the river and the sea are one."

{Khalil Gibran}

☙

*Grief Astronomer

A difficult life is not less

worth living than a gentle one.

Joy is simply easier to carry

than sorrow. And your heart

could lift a city from how long

you’ve spent holding what’s been

nearly impossible to hold.

This world needs those

who know how to do that.

Those who could find a tunnel

that has no light at the end of it,

and hold it up like a telescope

to know the darkness

also contains truths that could

bring the light to its knees.

Grief astronomer, adjust the lens,

look close, tell us what you see.

{Andrea Gibson}

☙

*Gentle nature moments & Finishing my crochet pullover

{Music: Unholy Faces – Florist + Movement, Before all Flowers – Max Richter + Golden Hour JVKE (Harp Cover) – The Harp Lady}

Due to the current circumstances I have not filmed in a while,

but I wanted to share my finished chunky crochet pullover

and some dreamy nature moments from back in August.

☙

*A single thought

A single thought,

an escape from the mind –

from this world,

from this pain.

A little break

from it all.

Touching your thin arms,

your yellow cheeks.

Clinging to your words

that are slowly ebbing away.

You were so full of words once –

a never ending stream of words

flowed into me.

My heart bursts of pain

and longing.

A pain

beyond everything I felt before.

A longing,

unfulfilled and raw.

Like the most beautiful flower

your body is withering away –

releasing your soul

back into eternity.

☙

*Häkelpullover aus Nappy 119/4

In the middle of August I started to crochet a chunky pullover with the pattern "Crochet sweater made from Nappy 119/4". My dear sister has gifted me a wool voucher for Birthday back in March that I hadn't touched yet and when I found this pattern, I finally gave myself a yank to order wool for it. Originally I wanted lilac color instead of strawberry, but I think it is a quite nice color combination anyway! It was a really nice project, although the wool was a bit unruly to use and I had issues with following the pattern of the sleeves. I think the colors suit the time period when late summer meets autumn very well.

☙

*Preserving summer & taking up needle work again

{Music: Dog days are over – Florence and the Machine – (Harp cover)  Naomi SV + Fáinleog (Wanderer) – The Gloaming + Mr Brightside – The Killers – (Harp cover) Naomi SV}

The plums started to ripen early this year and we were able to harvest for the first time plenty fruits from our fig tree that had grown so well over the last year. In the middle of August I started to preserve goods from the garden and made vinegar from windfalls and I started to make kombucha again. I also did some baking. And like every year around this time my fingers were itching to take up needlework and so I began to crochet a chunky colorful pullover.

Small plum cake

• 60 g butter

• 60 g date sugar

• 2 small eggs

• plums

• 1 sachet vanilla sugar

• 125 ml milk

• 120 g flour

• 1 tsp. baking powder

• cinnamon

• blossom or cinnamon-sugar mixture

Cream butter with date sugar until fluffy. Add two small eggs and a sachet of vanilla sugar, then stir in the milk and flour, 1 teaspoon baking powder, and ½ teaspoon cinnamon to form a smooth batter. Transfer to a small baking dish and top with washed, pitted, and sliced ​​plums. Bake at 180°C (convection oven) for about 25 minutes. (Use a toothpick to test!) Once the cake comes out of the oven, sprinkle with blossom sugar or a cinnamon-sugar mixture.

Small chocolate coconut cake

• 60 g butter

• 40 g raw cane sugar

• 2 small eggs

• 125 ml milk

• 120 g flour

• 1 tsp. baking powder

• desiccated coconut

• chocolate shavings

• chocolate for the glaze

Cream butter with raw cane sugar until fluffy. Add two small eggs, then stir in the milk,  flour, 1 teaspoon baking powder, and 2 tbs desiccated coconut and some chocolate shavings to form a smooth batter. Transfer to a small baking dish and bake at 180°C (convection oven) for about 25 minutes. (Use a toothpick to test!) Once the cake comes out of the oven, coat with melted chocolate and sprinkle with desiccated coconut.

☙

*the ground under my feet & the little gifts of life

Finally got my summer pictures developed!

That moment after many weeks unable to leave home, when I made my first steps into nature. The sky was moody, the swallows flying low, the ground under my feet felt never better, I had to feel earth with my whole body, a short moment of forgetting all the recent tortures.

Last weekend, we visited one of our favorite forest areas – a place we hadn't been to in six years! The gifts of life are unpredictable and so it happened that just as we started our walk, a dog suddenly began to follow us. We could not spot his owner, so we went along. The dog jumped ahead, but always turned back to wait for us – for example when we slowed down to take a picture of the landscape. He happily ran back to us, tail wagging, and in this way he accompanied us for the entire walk. It was wonderful! At the end of the trail, as we passed a snack stall, the dog trotted inside and that's when we finally knew where he came from.

☙

*Ever-changing skies

Why do the flowers return each summer

When they know September winds

Will wilt away their carefree days

They must know the secrets

Of what makes this life worthwhile

To bloom in spite of ever-changing skies

{emma.the.poet}

☙

*Rising with the August sun

{Music: Berriedale on Hoy – Erland Cooper + Warming – Erland Cooper + Childhood – Yann Tiersen + Chopin Berceuse Op 57 D Flat Major} August so far: • first mushroom hunting –

we found parasols and some chanterelles • daily fresh cucumber salads from the garden • first blooming "Evenline" dahlia &

more "Jowey Winnie" dahlias • observing Roman snails taking a bath

(my personal highlight!) • first morning mist!

(it felt so much like autumn already) • collecting & storing seeds • simply enjoying all the wild flowers dancing in the wind ☙

*Light & white

The lights & whites of summer.

☙