*life lately

More things have been happening, and I still feel overwhelmed and physically affected, but I try to go further and do what I can, what choice do I have? I’ve been quiet here for the reasons mentioned, and also because one of my films that I sent in for development has been lost again. It happens once in a while, and if I’m lucky, it turns up again after a few weeks. Let's see! 

I’m slowly getting ready for Advent. I made a simple wreath and poured some beeswax candles, collected pine cones to make fire starters, continued working on a few needlework projects, and have been busy keeping the fires in the stoves going – we’ve already had several nights at seven degrees below zero. I can’t believe this year is already coming to an end. Tomorrow would have been my mother's birthday. I don't know yet how I will spend that day. Hopefully I can be a little out in nature.

A little miracle happened, too. Our persimmon tree has its first two fruits, and I only discovered them after all the foliage had fallen. Even though I checked repeatedly throughout the year, I could never find any, so I was really excited when I finally spotted them.

I hope you enjoy the coming Advent season, and that everything is going well for you!

☙

*Golden autumn triangle scarf

Ever since finishing my "Wintry triangle scarf" in January, I’d been wanting to make another one – this time using softer wool and different shades. I ended up choosing a color palette inspired by the exceptional golden autumn we had! I love how it turned out and really enjoyed taking it out to my little beloved oak forest. It was quite chilly despite the sunshine, but wearing five layers kept me warm enough!

☙

*Moon, mist & a golden autumn scarf

{Music: Days from Before – Niall Byrne + 81 (Joanna Newsom Harp Cover) – Naomi SV + Cirrus – Leo Nocta + Perihelion – Max Richter + Moon's age – Oak Studios}

A new crochet project,

woven between golden autumn days,

another supermoon,

and a world of mist.

☙

*The wind threads through the golden sea of wild autumn grasses

The wind threads through the golden sea of wild autumn grasses,

the dark, heavy clouds sway across the sky.

Frost has stolen the vivid colors of the flowers,

while leaves swirl freely in the air.

Everything seems restless,

yet ready to settle,

to withdraw from summer’s grasp.

It’s the cyclical play of the changing seasons,

ancient, yet renewed with every turn.

☙

*Bandana scarf for Lotte

Finally, I can tell you for whom I made this new bandana scarf. I started it back in March for my dear friend Lotte, but never finished it at the time – life got in the way. I picked it up again and worked diligently on it from mid to late October, and just a few days ago it arrived safely in Belgium, in Lotte’s hands. When I first saw this soft lilac shade of wool, I immediately thought of her, so it was clear from the very beginning that it would be hers. It’s the fourth one I’ve made, and it definitely won’t be the last, I guess. :)

☙

*Early birds, golden leaves & cozy October knitting

{Music: Blackbird (Acoustic Cover) – Chase Eagleson + Narcissus – Jiří Horák + Flyt – Tankeflukt + Everfade – Tankeflukt}

Being with the early birds,

among wild chamomile and the first tender beams of morning light.

Reading books outside,

surrounded by the golden glow of the birch trees' foliage.

Finishing the knitted scarf for a dear friend

and wrapping gifts for upcoming birthdays.

☙

*fall memories

The weekend was a stormy one. The late October winds hasten the fall of the leaves, and soon the golden play of colors will come to an end. Some Birthdays are coming up and I like to take my time to think of fitting gifts and wrap them in a calm, peaceful mood. Making gifts is definitely one of my love languages. Maybe you heard about the different love languages of people before. The five main are: words of affirmation, quality time, gifts, acts of service and physical touch.

We haven’t had any really gloomy days so far, but I think that could change around All Saints’ and All Souls’ Day. I remember how I loved going to the graveyard around this time of year when I was a child. Sometimes there was already snow, and all the graves were decorated with floral arrangements and candles and there was this one little chapel where people were allowed to place a special candle among a sea of other candles and the room was so warm and full of light. It was so peaceful and one of my favorite fall memories.

☙

*Breathing through autumn

{Music: Wind – Brain Crain + Dream 13 (minus even) – Max Richter + Bogo –Will Oldham}

Autumn always feels like coming home.

This season is a bliss for the senses –

a gentle calling to all introverted souls.

I started picking up an unfinished knitting project

and enjoyed the very last dahlias,

the falling leaves, and the first morning frosts.

☙

*Breathing through

Twelve days have passed since my mother died.

When I try to take a deep breath, the tears follow instantly.

I've done a lot of repetitive and senseless things to keep the pain at bay.

But autumn shows itself from a beautiful angle,

I sat under the falling leaves,

I sat in the frozen meadow,

I sat in the rising sun

and I sat under the almost invisible silver of the moon.

I sat and tried to breathe through.

☙

*Ort der Stille

There aren't many pictures of my mother from when she was a child, but I wanted to share one here, along with a poem she once wrote.

Hab Sehnsucht

nach einem Ort der Stille

wo der Himmel leuchtet

und die Erde schwebt

wo dir alle zurufen

ohne Worte

du bist frei.

~

Long for a place

of silence

where the sky shines

and the earth floats

where everyone calls out to you

without words

you are free.

Mum, I really hope you have found this kind of freedom.

☙

*a deep longing

Even though those pictures were taken in summer, that time feels like a lifetime away already.

Losing my mother in this cruel way left deep scars on me. It was an ongoing torture for those who were allowed to witness or who dared to.

The ultimate comforter is everywhere, just not in your words. So I stopped searching them there. And so I feel like I haven't felt in a long time – like I felt as a teenager. Always searching for something to stuff this longing in me, I feel a strong addiction – but I don't know what for. I want out, out of this body, out of this pain, out of all the senseless conversations with people who are too afraid to go a little deeper, to meet me in the darkness, to open their eyes, because they are too afraid to see themselves in it.

So I seek comfort in the silence, in the little pauses between your words, in the rustling of the autumn leaves, in the flickering of the candle flame, in the icy morning air, in the cry of the crow that has finally found its way back to me.

It's not just the loss, it's the horror I witnessed. The imprisonment. The unquenchable pain. And when I wake up in the nights it feels as if she is still lying there and I'll never be able to find peace again.

☙

*One day after the first supermoon of the year

The moon

on Wednesday,

the day

my mother

passed away.

☙

*Between sorrow, flowers & apple trees

{Music: In The Garden: Meeting Again – Max Richter + Amsterdam – (Gregory Alan Isakov cover) Adam Youngman  + Consolation – Dmitry Evgrafov}

"If you would indeed behold the spirit of death,

open your heart wide unto the body of life.

For life and death are one,

even as the river and the sea are one."

{Khalil Gibran}

☙

*Grief Astronomer

A difficult life is not less

worth living than a gentle one.

Joy is simply easier to carry

than sorrow. And your heart

could lift a city from how long

you’ve spent holding what’s been

nearly impossible to hold.

This world needs those

who know how to do that.

Those who could find a tunnel

that has no light at the end of it,

and hold it up like a telescope

to know the darkness

also contains truths that could

bring the light to its knees.

Grief astronomer, adjust the lens,

look close, tell us what you see.

{Andrea Gibson}

☙

*Gentle nature moments & Finishing my crochet pullover

{Music: Unholy Faces – Florist + Movement, Before all Flowers – Max Richter + Golden Hour JVKE (Harp Cover) – The Harp Lady}

Due to the current circumstances I have not filmed in a while,

but I wanted to share my finished chunky crochet pullover

and some dreamy nature moments from back in August.

☙

*A single thought

A single thought,

an escape from the mind –

from this world,

from this pain.

A little break

from it all.

Touching your thin arms,

your yellow cheeks.

Clinging to your words

that are slowly ebbing away.

You were so full of words once –

a never ending stream of words

flowed into me.

My heart bursts of pain

and longing.

A pain

beyond everything I felt before.

A longing,

unfulfilled and raw.

Like the most beautiful flower

your body is withering away –

releasing your soul

back into eternity.

☙

*Häkelpullover aus Nappy

In the middle of August I started to crochet a chunky pullover with the pattern "Crochet pullover made from Nappy". My dear sister has gifted me a wool voucher for Birthday back in March that I hadn't touched yet and when I found this pattern, I finally gave myself a yank to order wool for it. Originally I wanted lilac color instead of strawberry, but I think it is a quite nice color combination anyway! It was a really nice project, although the wool was a bit unruly to use and I had issues with following the pattern of the sleeves. I think the colors suit the time period when late summer meets autumn very well.

☙